Hands up. You know the drill. Everybody ready? Ready? I mean _really_ ready? Good. Wait. You. In the back. Yes, you, with the red beanie. You! No, not you, the other red beanie. Oh, I’m sorry–of course it’s _maroon_. I don’t recognize you. Is your name on the list? What’s your name? Stan? Let me check. Okay, Stan, you’re not on the list. What? You didn’t register? What? Screw my WHAT? Okay, that’s it folks, I’m done. I’m out of here. Thank Stan. What? Uh? Oh, I’m the jerk?

european travel tips

in France pants
are optional
unless
they aren’t

Norway means
“not that way”
which you
will hear
a lot if
you are
American

don’t confuse
Belgian with
Flemish
especially
in regards
to chocolate

if you are stuck
in an airport
in Germany
do not under
any circumstances
talk about
Fight Club
I mean seriously
do you
have a
death wish?

in Iceland
it’s considered
impolite
to remove
your hat
before your
host but
only during
Yule &
if the log
isn’t lit

never rub a cat
the wrong way
in Italy; it caused
wars in
the 1500s
that Florentines
still argue about

there’s a secret
to travelling
in Spain: don’t–
instead wander
aimlessly about
& eventually
someone will
ask if you
would like
something to
eat; say yes

finally, do not
under any
circumstance
dance with the
spouse of a
Irish mayor
under a full
moon in
autumn;
just trust me
on this one

democracy

woke up
to find
the sun
still rises
the birds
still sing
the leaves
still skitter
across the
yard like
pundits
flapping
in wind

the car
the car
christ look
at the car
how can
they live
like that
well how
can you
live with
yourself
knowing
they live
like that
in the land
of milk
& honey
& taxes
& missiles
& bombs
& greed
& got mines
& not yours
& you can’t
take it with
yous so might
as well stuff
it all in your
car because
at least that
way you know
where it is
which is more
than I can say
for your sense
of charity
which seems
to consist
of a few bucks
dropped in
a bucket of
chum on
sundays

congress is an abusive relationship

your donut
looks good
so give me
a bite but
don’t be
surprised
if I eat
the whole
thing because
what were
you thinking
letting me
take a bite?

the chinos never look as good
on me as on the mannequin
perhaps because it has no ass
but mine has grown quite large again

black hole
physics at
the dmv